Woke up and immediately started crying again, with no trigger but my own sadness.
I don’t handle rejection well, because I am rejected constantly. From big, important life plans I am almost always turned away for just not being good enough. The worst part about this one is I had no back up plan.
This was supposed to work.
this NEEDED to work.
And now I’m just alone in my own sadness watching other people be incredibly happy (and I’m happy for them, of course) and involved in something I wanted/needed so much more than they did.
And I’ll never have closure as to WHY I’m not with them. That’s the worst part. I’m the type of person who needs to hear the truth, even if it’s hard, for closure. And I have none for most of the painful events in my life.
I centered the rest of my academic career around being accepted into this, only to be turned away to inexplicably and I have no way to defend myself or change it.
All I want to do is go HOME and not come back. I really don’t know if ill stay here.
I’m scared by how sad and depressed I feel right now.
Like if I stop physically moving for too long I might never move again.
Carrying all this tension and sadness in my body is no way to continue life.
I am very very distraught right now.
I’ve never felt so much emotional pain radiating my body as physical, unbearable pain.
Things were looking up. There were so many stars aligned that this was going to be perfect and turn out how I really wanted and NEEDED it to. And I was rejected in an embarrassing public and personal fashion.
Not sure how long it will take to feel okay after this.
first exam of the semester
here it comes….
Waves of anxiety and self-doubt and ffear
Today was not a great day.
It was the first time I’ve nearly had an attack in public.
I was actually exhausted because of how much energy I had to use to just keep it down and not cry.
I guess it’s a good thing I was able to stop it, but I’d rather have nothing to stop…